My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
It's blow job season.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
