I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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