New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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