Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
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I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
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Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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