I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
