are you so shy because you have an std?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
