it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
