Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
