about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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