jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
