there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
