u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
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