Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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