Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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