Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
