That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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