I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
