Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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