he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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