I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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