got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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