dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
