I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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