I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
