I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
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someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
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This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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