I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
