Porn is love you can see.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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