The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Randomize
