I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
