so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
