My sheets look like a crime scene.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
