a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
