ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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