It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
