I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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