Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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