either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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