My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
