It's like a parade of train wrecks.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
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So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
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There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The power of my boobs compel you
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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