I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
