Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize