Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
