Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
