I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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