I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
