Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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