i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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