I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
