if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
