God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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