Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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