Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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