You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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