actually, I'm a sock model
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
