so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
