my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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