those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
So here I am, sexting at work.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
