Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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