im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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